The perils of MUSTERBATION (‘demand thinking’)

Do you suffer from musterbation? Is it always ‘must’ and ‘should’ and ‘ought’ with you? Yes? This is unhealthy DEMAND THINKING, and it could be the cause of a lot of your upsettness. Let’s take a look at what it is, and how we can neutralise it with healthy realistic thinking so that you can feel better much more of the time….

Albert Ellis, the colourful founding father of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, says that there are three core ‘irrational cognitions’ that are the cause of most of our problems. Irrational cognitions are the distorted ‘negative automatic thoughts’ that we accept as rational – the ones that cause us to interpret and process events and situations in a negative way that only serves to make us upset and behave in self-defeating ways. Think of it as viewing life through a distorted fish-eye lens – the view is ‘off’. CBT gives us the learning and tools and techniques to switch to a clear undistorted lens and see things the way calmer happier people do – this means we’ll have less emotional disturbances, and consequentially less behavioural problems – helping us to live a fuller happier life.

The Ellis idea is that we have distorted thinking about:

• How *I* am: e.g. I must be successful and respected and attractive all the time, or else I can’t be happy
• How *you* are: e.g. You should be kind and respectful and loving toward me all the time, or else you’re a terrible person (or I’m a terrible person), and I can’t be happy
• How *the world* is: e.g. Things ought to be comfortable and as I want them to be all the time, or else it’s awful, I can’t stand it, it’s unbearable – and I can’t be happy.

Why ‘must’ and ‘should’ and ‘ought’? Is that realistic? Are you a special being that unusual universal laws apply to? Are you somebody who has the supreme power to control people, situations and events? is it written in stone or in the stars that things must be as you demand them to be?

If the answer to those questions is no (and trust me, it is) – then is it realistic to musterbate? (By the way, Ellis was a colourful character who coined the term musterbate.. he also coined: awful-ising, terrible-ising, absolutistic, and I-can’t-stand-it-itis…).

This kind of demand thinking is inflexible and unrealistic, “I want, therefore it follows that I must have..”. It’s unattainable. Stay thinking that way and you’ll aways be dissatisfied and generally unhappy!

“What are you talking about Veronica? What’s the alternative?’ Well, the Ellis theory is that actually life is random – sometimes unfair, sometimes difficult and frustrating… and that’s just how it is. Damanding it to be another way is futile and causes us to become excessively upset and uncomfortable. The solution is to replace demands with ‘PREFERENCES‘ – to restructure our negative automatic thoughts with healthy rational alternative thinking – over and over and over again, until we have new hardwired thinking that respects and has UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE of ourselves and others and the world. Big job, but it can be done, it’s been proven to alleviate stress and anxiety and to curb self-sabotaging behaviours (aggression, avoidance, procrastination etc).

Example:

How *I* am: I would prefer to be successful and respected and attractive all of the time – but that’s just a preference, it’s not a demand, as demanding that would be silly. I’m a fallible human being.. I have ups and downs. Sometimes I don’t like the way I look, sometimes things are difficult for me in work or relationships, and not all people respond to me with respect and consideration… this is normal, it’s this way for everybody. I aspire to unconditionally accept myself. I’m a worthy person who is working on ways to live a better life. Waiting for a time my demands will be met to ‘be happy’ would be irrational – there are many things, small and large, to be happy about right now, and in the future.

How *you* are: I would prefer you to think everything I say and do is amazing, and for you to treat me reasonably, considerately and respectfully all of the time. But that’s just a preference, as I know that people are governed by their own priorities, and that I can’t control your thoughts and behaviours. You might very well have your own ‘musts’ and ‘should’ demand thinking about others that I don’t conform to, that’s something I will just have to like or lump. I aspire to unconditionally accept you and your right to think and behave as you wish, even if I don’t like it or agree with it.

How the *world* is: I would prefer it if things and conditions were absolutely as I want them to be all of the time – but that’s just a preference. Much as I’d like it, I’m not the master of the world – and stuff happens… even if I find some situations difficult or frustrating, awfulising them and declaring I can’t stand it and so on is pointless, and only serves to maximise my upset and discomfort and frustration. I can in fact ‘stand it’, even though I won’t like it. I aspire to unconditionally accept the world and it’s randomness.

Get the picture? Start thinking about your own thinking… figure out if and in what instances you use demand thinking, and aim to replace it with ‘preferences’ instead… You will feel better, I promise!

And don’t forget to play around with the theory -noting that applying must and shoulds to other peoples general behaviour is a recipe for discontent (your own and theirs!) and unhealthy interactions. Example: you must not behave that way! I disapprove as I think that you should and ought to think and behave differently – so I’m going to punish you ... and so on… Maybe you think somebody is ugly or uncool or dull and that they shouldn’t be that way? Maybe you think somebody is full of themselves and shouldn’t be that way? Maybe you think somebody is selfish and shouldn’t be that way? Do these people irritate or enrage you? Hmmm. Think on… And get over yourself! (Even if someone does a bad thing, it doesn’t make them ‘bad’ – we are all a work in progress and a sum of many parts). Wouldn’t it be nice to unconditionally accept people as we would wish ourselves to be accepted? Flaws and all? Not least because you’ll be calm and zen(er), instead of being enraged and plotting and planning punishments? Yes? Start today! And remember… these are aspirations, nobody is expecting you to become Buddha overnight (or ever even), just do your best, and remember it’s not only the right thing to do – this is about you feeling good, being calmer and happier. Have fun…

(Demand thinking is  irrational – whereby we apply inflexible ‘musts’ and ‘should’s and ‘oughts’ to ourselves, and others, and the world. Aim to turn these demands into preferences instead… and aspire to unconditional acceptance of yourself and others and the world)

LINKS:

4FM radio interview (10 minutes, where I introduce CBT)

The Albert Ellis Institute Website

The Prince of Reason (an interview with Albert Ellis by Psychology Today)

CBT and Feeling Good Ireland (my website with more info on what I do and how you can benefit)