“In a very real sense we have two minds, one that thinks and one that feels” ~ Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence
Are you often overly emotional in an unhelpful way in response to events that are not that big a deal when you look back on them? That could be ’emotional dysregulation’ – being overly upset or angry or overwhelmed – which you can learn to self-regulate with CBT.
Make your THINKING mind the boss of you, not your FEELING mind.
- Regulate how you explain the situation to yourself, reframe, apply emotional intelligence – BE RATIONAL
- Regulate your trippy nervous system, BREATHE IT DOWN.
- Change how you respond to situations, what will get you a better outcome? Do that.
Beware – feelings are not facts. And that’s a fact. CBT doesn’t aim to stop people from having emotions, that would be ridiculous and impossible. Emotions are a normal and wonderful part of humanity. You are a complex ‘sense making organism’ – your job is to make sense of things, to ‘predict’, to be safe, to survive, and to navigate and create a world that is comfortable and meets your values and needs. The problem is that we tend to try to make sense of what is happening through how we feel (emotional reasoning): ‘I feel very bad, so it is very bad’ – and this is unhelpful at the best of times, but is extremely unhelpful when stress is a disorder causing ‘emotional dysregulation’, where emotions and perception can be heightened and exaggerated in a negative way. If you have strong positive emotions all the time, great, leave them alone. But if you often have an extreme negative or inappropriate emotional responses to situations, you can build the skill of understanding and regulating them with CBT.
Example of different responses to the same event – ‘a friend behaves badly’:
“Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power, that is not easy.” ~ Aristotle
Key: the same thing could happen to 10 people, but they will all think and feel and behave uniquely in response to it. And note that when you’re ‘in a good mood’ you may think differently and feel differently about things – you process and cope differently, right?
If a negative event happens, of course you are going to have a negative response, you are not a robot – but it is not the event itself, no matter how negative, that causes your exact level of upset, it is your brain and body’s perception and processing of the event.
Neurobiology has added to the learning about how and why we think and feel and behave the way we do, so we now know that how your nervous system is wired will affect your perception and feelings and behaviour – and that the way to regulate yourself is through rational reasoning. Building skills to thought-stop and think differently – which will help regulate emotional responses.
Note that if your stress is a disorder – from stress to anxiety to depression – you may have very strong emotional responses to events and situations, and emotions don’t exist in a vacuum – your thoughts and body and emotions and behaviours are the four strands of your life experience – working alongside each other in real-time. (If you are fond of saying ‘I trust my gut’, note that your ‘gut’ is the stress hormone cortisol spiking, thinking it’s being helpful by shutting your digestive system down in order to redirect energy to pump up the rest of your body for a ‘threat’, real or imagined. It’s science!)
Move the models around – put thinking first – play with how new cool rational self-talk will influence how you feel (physically and emotionally) and what you choose to do, and what outcomes the new approach will give you:
Summary: a negative situation or event INFLUENCES how you feel and behave; it is how you are explaining it to yourself, plus your physical threat response, that may ultimately decide it. Practicing CBT means you do not have to be a slave to your automatic emotional responses. Put your thinking brain in charge. Develop emotional intelligence deliberately by design. Map patterns. Be rational. Regulate.
Template examples of healthy and unhealthy negative responses to a negative event:
| Healthy example: If a friend is thoughtless and is excluding you, that is of course a negative event – a psychologically healthy person would respond to this with healthy and appropriate negative responses: e.g. sadness and disappointment (and even annoyance or irritation) – with a realistic and rational view of the event, and productive behaviour in response to the event. |
| Unhealthy example: a person with a stress disorder might respond to the same situation with an unhealthy anger, or even aggression– these are unhealthy negative responses, they are over the top emotions that are out of proportion to the event – promoting self-sabotaging behaviour – going on and on about it to yourself (and maybe others), ‘NO! THIS IS A BAD PERSON BEHAVING BADLY! I WON’T TOLERATE IT! I SHOULD DO SOMETHING!’ Not letting it go, setting out to punish the friend, and not feeling safe with them / other friends in the future – seeking validation and reassurance in an over the top way. |
Get the picture? The cost of emotional reasoning is too high – dial it down…
An example table of healthy negative responses vs unhealthy negative responses
| Healthy negative response | Unhealthy negative response |
|---|---|
| Sadness | Depression |
| Disappointment | Despair |
| Annoyance | Aggression |
| Nervousness | Anxiety |
| Healthy anger – moderate | Unhealthy anger – rage |
| Healthy envy | Acidic Jealousy |
Who do you want to be? How do you want to be? Change your patterns with CBT.
Just because you have a strong feeling doesn’t mean it is justified or emotionally intelligent. Which of these bad thinking habits will cause emotional dysregulation? All of them! Catch and edit, name & tame them… be more rational, deliberately – change how you feel and respond to stressors.
The CBT goal is not to turn people into robots or to stop people from having emotions, but to help people recognise and decrease distorted dramatic responses to situations that cause themselves and others unnecessary upset.
A proven fast and efficient self-management technique is ‘name it and tame it’ – learning to step back and evaluate situations coolly when you are very upset – thought-stopping when you recognise unhealthy emotional and behavioural responses, and reframing your self-talk to regulate yourself to a healthy emotional and behavioural response instead : “Ok, I’m in a very high rage mode now – what am I reacting to? Is that a bit over the top – I’ll breathe it down…”
Top tip: get some acting skills! Design a new cooler way to respond that will get you better outcomes, that will get you what you want, even if you’re not really feeling it yet. Be cool.
Try mapping your key ideas for unhealthy over the top emotions versus healthy appropriate emotional responses – have some fun with it if you like, imagination and dramatic imagery can be your friend as well as your enemy:
What drives you bananas? When are you emotionally overly dramatic and dysregulated?
Use this template guide to map and catch (journal) your bad habits – so that you can be ready to thought-stop and regulate next time your emotional reasoning is about to cause you unnecessary upset.
| Situation or event, and your thoughts and beliefs about it: | ||
| Emotions | Body | Behave |
Change it up. Think different– feel different – behave different – aim for this model:
| Situation or event, with a RATIONAL MODERATE reframing – use careful accurate language, and consider what the new emotional and physical and behavioural response would be: | ||
| Emotions | Body | Behave |
For more CBT resources to help build your toolbox of awareness and self management tools go to the downloads page: LINK
Summary:
This post explores emotional dysregulation and how it can be managed using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). It emphasises the importance of making rational thinking the boss of our emotions and provides strategies for self-regulation. The article discusses the influence of perception, neurobiology, and emotional reasoning on our emotional responses to events. It emphasises the need to develop emotional intelligence and regulate our emotional responses. The post includes examples of healthy and unhealthy negative responses to negative events and encourages readers to choose healthier patterns of thinking and behaviour. It concludes by suggesting the “name it and tame it” technique, which involves stepping back, evaluating situations objectively, and reframing self-talk to facilitate healthier emotional and behavioural responses. The post also provides a template for mapping one’s thoughts, emotions, body sensations, and behaviours in order to identify and regulate unhealthy emotional responses. Overall, the post promotes the use of CBT techniques to decrease distorted dramatic responses and promote emotional well-being and productive behavioural responses to stressors.
For more CBT resources click here: LINK
Veronica Walsh's CBT Blog Dublin, Ireland 